Last week I focused on the important role fathers play, this
week I will focus on the more general topic of parenting! The title of this
blog, the Phenomenon of the Family, stems from a paradox: by giving more for others,
you will receive more in return. However, not in worldly ways.
As a parent, you give so much to your children. Parenting provides
a way to grow and stretch that is not possible in any other setting. The best
outcome for you and your children is when you are intentional about what you (and
your spouse) do. Do you have goals as parents?
Think back to the animated Disney movie, Alice in
Wonderland. While she is still learning her surroundings in Wonderland, Alice
comes to a fork in the road that splits off in many different directions. She
does not know which way to go. Soon, the Cheshire Cat appears! Alice asks for
directions and he responds, “Well that depends on where you want to get to.” When
she explains she’s indifferent, or that it doesn’t matter to her where she
goes, the Cheshire Cat says, “Then, it really doesn’t matter which way you go!”
Applying this to parenting, if you do not have goals as parents
for you or your children, it does not matter what you do. Care enough for your
children to have expectations for yourself, your spouse, and each of them! It
really does matter what you do because your children depend on YOU!
According to Michael Popkin, the founder of Active Parenting
Publishers, the purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare a child to survive
and thrive in the world. Dr. Popkin has also written several books about
parental involvement in children’s lives and has also created some online
parenting classes. If you would like more ideas of how to support and guide
your child in this world, check them out!
Parents who respond to the children’s internal need rather than their behavior tend to be the most empathetic
parents. Most parents, however, tend to focus on the behavior of the child and
getting their kids to do what they want them to do.
Children’s Mistaken Approaches
|
Child’s Need
|
Parental Approaches
|
Undue Attention Seeking
|
Contact and Belonging
|
Offer contact freely
Teach to contribute
|
Rebellion
Control others
|
Power
|
Chores
Consequences
|
Revenge
|
Protection
|
Assertiveness
Forgiveness
|
Undue avoidance
|
Withdrawal
|
Teach to take a break and then come back together
|
Undue risk taking (adrenalin junkies)
|
Challenge
|
Skill building activities
|
Sadly, parenting has become secondary to careers in many
places.
This may be due to necessity because of financial situations.
Once resolved, one of the parents (if in a two-parent home) may be able to return
to the home to provide the most beneficial environment for children’s development.
However, parenting has also become secondary to careers because
of selfishness. Don’t grab the pitchforks and torches to come after me just yet!
I understand there are many unique circumstances, but my worry is that a majority of the situations where both parents
go into the work force is because neither are willing to give up personal pursuits
and glory form co-workers or their bosses. Others might not want to leave their
work when children come along because of societal pressure for women and men to
be ambitious in their careers and loaded with money. These lies are destroying
families, and, by extension, future generations.
However, as parents refocus their efforts on children, many difficulties
both adults and children face could be remedied. Or people would at least be
better equipped to face these challenges.
So, who benefits the most from parenting, the child or the
parent? Well, children need love, support, and their basic needs met. An
intentional parent can provide those more effectively than anyone else. Because
of parenting, children have greater chances to live into adulthood, and to do
so successfully. I would say that is pretty beneficial! In the case of the
parents, they practice patience, love, nurturance, acceptance, etc. They cultivate
incredible characteristics unique to parenting. Also, they have the opportunity
to create an incredible relationship with someone they had even created! Isn’t
that amazing???
Before revealing the answer to last paragraph’s question, I
wanted to bring up my own parents again. Last week, I focused on my dad and the
incredible man he is. I also wanted to share about my mom- she is incredibly
intuitive, caring, and supportive. She is one of my dearest friends. The relationship
we have is because of the wonderful mother she was throughout my childhood,
through adolescence, and even now.
So, the honest answer is both! The children and the adults both need parenting. Parents need to
parent and children need their parents to lead them and protect them.
Some resources for parenting I really like include:
The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
by the Arbinger Institute
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
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