Coming together during this time of life can be one of the
most rewarding experiences. A strong foundation in the relationship before
marrying each other is vital to the success and enjoyment (or satisfaction) of
that marriage. This relationship extends to parenting as equal partners for the
benefit of the family unit as a whole.
There are so many aspects of a marriage relationship just
like someone’s “dream home.” The picturesque home with a beautiful white picket
fence, beautiful green lawn and garden, perfect amount of rooms, an amazing kitchen
and living room. As beautiful as these are, everything could fall apart within
a matter of years if there is not a strong foundation and proper maintenance
performed continuously. Something similar could happen to the marriage relationship.
My family and I have lived in the same house for about 20
years and only within the last two years has my parents replaced the carpet.
Due to intense care, and preventative and protective measures, that white
carpet lasted years before it was changed out. Also, the foundations of homes are
individual to their location. For example, in Idaho, because the ground freezes
five feet below the surface, a foundation has to be set at least to that point,
but further down is even better. In California, at least where I am from, it is
a different story because the ground does not freeze.
The relationship of one couple is unique from the relationship
another couple has. However, it is imperative that both are prepared for the
struggles they will face. The common best practices still need to be applied to
every couple and should begin in the dating stage. These include:
·
Learning to make decisions together
·
Problem solving together
·
Communication (respectful, but honest and open)
·
Boundaries (i.e. “How much do we include our friends,
family, etc., in our marriage?”)
Metacommunication (or talking about communication) is one of
those practices I think is paramount in a relationship, starting even from the
very beginning. Creating a plan of how you’ll handle times you might be frustrated
with your spouse will be helpful for knowing what to do when the occasion arises.
If talking about how the two of you will communicate in various circumstances
does not occur, then many disappointing, frustrating, and confusing times are
waiting ahead.
People can only tolerate so much before they explode in
anger or give up altogether.
In early marriage, there are usually few serious arguments
and a lot of decisions to make concerning their roles in the marriage
relationship. However, marital communication is typically lowered when the
first child is born; therefore, marital satisfaction decreases. Here are some things
to be aware of when children start coming along and the challenges of early parenthood:
·
The baby is loud, smelly, needs constant care
and attention, refuses to sleep at reasonable hours, and is very demanding.
·
Mother’s work load typically increases about 65%
percent, while the father’s increases about 40% all within the first six months
of parenthood.
·
Husband and wife forfeit valuable time and other
resources to attend to the needs of the other.
·
The wife commonly perceives the husband is not
as caring to her needs or that of the baby, while he feels left out because all
of the wife’s time is focused on the baby without giving him what he needs.
Actual data indicate spouses’ level of agreement on
important topics goes up after a child is born. However, because of the
husbands’ perceptions of being pushed out, marital satisfaction decreases significantly.
Without planning how you’ll communicate affection to each other after the child
is born or spending time talking about the two of you, this time can lead to
the parents building resentment towards each other, and even the baby.
Doing things such as involving the father in developmental milestones
while the baby is in the womb is vital, including him being involved in
prenatal check-ups. The father also needs to take precedence over others during
birth and the days that follow. His involvement strengthens the relationship
between him and his wife rather than the wife and her mother, if she is heavily
involved in the process.
Also, discuss specific changes a new addition to the family
will make for each of you in terms of time, energy, privacy, etc. Plan how to
help one another through this adjustment rather than going through it alone
under the same roof or having screaming matches at each other. Try to
anticipate how you’ll share responsibilities and find creative ways for the
father to bond with and enjoy the newborn.
All in all, there are simple ways to maintain/increase marital
satisfaction with children joining the family:
·
Plan carefully for changes
·
Don’t forget about spouse’s needs
·
Look for opportunities to support each other
·
Take turns doing the fun/not-so-fun tasks of
parenthood
·
Express love and appreciation freely and frequently
Coming together during this time of life can be one of the
most rewarding experiences.
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