The Complexities of Communication

“In our fantasies, marriage is a romantic adventure. In reality, marriage is a struggle as well as an adventure.” (Lauer & Lauer, 2012)

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship we have in life. As crazy as it sounds, what tears apart some people can actually help strengthen a relationship. Being able to make something that commonly ends a relationship into a way to come closer together and better understand each other takes a lot of effort.

Are you willing to do what it takes?

Keep in mind that you are always communicating, even when you’re not speaking. This is because how we communicate with each other is made up of verbal and nonverbal symbols and/or sounds. Using words to convey thoughts and ideas to another person is verbal communication. Nonverbal communication carries more weight and influence to the meaning of what you say. What you wear, facial expressions, body language, eye behavior, physical touch, and the tone of your voice are all factors of the nonverbal.

There are many functions that nonverbal communication serves. It complements the words that are used. For example, picture a friend that is there for you during a trial in your life. He or she may place their hand on your shoulder, tilt their head down too meet your gaze, look you in the eyes, and tell you that they care about you. If they flippantly said “I care about you” while looking at their phone and with no urgency in their tone of voice, you would assume there was no sincerity to their words. Another function of nonverbal communication is to contradict our words; sarcasm for instance relies heavily on this function.

Also, nonverbal communication repeats the message the words sent, regulates communication, can be a substitute for words, accents the verbal message, and triggers attributions the receiver places on what was said to them. Most people tend to notice negative cues more than positive ones. In fact, nonverbal behavior can be tricky to correctly interpret. Gender differences and the level of closeness in the relationship both influences the interpretation of nonverbal cues.

“Women, compared to men, are more sensitive to, and more likely to accurately recall nonverbal cues” (Hall, Murphy, and Mast, 2006). Also, in a study of the accuracy of interpreting nonverbal cues between acquaintances, friends, and very close friends, it was actually the friend group that was most precise.

“What you communicate to someone depends not only on what you say and how you say it, but also how the other person interprets what you say and how you say it” (Lauer & Lauer, 2012).

Just because people talk together doesn’t mean they’re communicating clearly and with accurate understanding of each other. Becoming a better listener is essential to communicating more effectively. By doing so, you can decrease the frequency of misunderstandings.

There are several poor habits of listening that negatively affects an interaction, and, eventually, the relationship. Sometimes, we only pretend to listen. We’re faking it. This can be because we think something else is more important on the TV screen, on our phones, etc. Or maybe, because we’re bored, and the other person has told us this same story already.

People usually repeat themselves, not from bad memory, because they’re not convinced they have really been heard and validated by you. Keep that in mind.

Other bad listening habits are when the listener is so worried about pleasing the speaker, they don’t really listen and/or don’t respond appropriately. Those that interrupt make absolutely no effort to fully understand and be sympathetic towards the speaker. And, finally, intellectual listeners only focus on the words of the speaker and ignore the key nonverbal cues that are given. If you see yourself in these examples, call yourself out on it!

Improve listening skills by taking the initiative in conversation, resist distractions, control your emotions and tendency to interrupt, ask questions and rephrase to clarify your partner’s meaning, and use the speed of your thoughts to summarize what the other has said. Practice this over, and over, and over again!  

Satisfying communication alone does’t make a satisfying marriage, but it is a key factor of one!

Earlier, I brought up conflict. Yes, there are some positive functions of what most people see as negative (because it is usually approached negatively and can end up in a yelling match, the silent treatment, or physical abuse, none of which leads anywhere good).

Here are some of those positive functions of conflict:

·      It brings issues out into the open (instead of settling into an uncomfortable cold war and buildup of resentment)

·      Conflicts helps clarify issues

·      We can grow through conflict by realizing who we are and who we can become if handling it properly

·      Small conflicts can help diffuse more serious conflict

·      Conflict can create and maintain an equitable balance of power

Practice principles of “good fighting”:

·      Maintain perspective

·      Develop tension outlets

·      Continue to communicate

·      Be sensitive to timing

·      Avoid festering resentment

·      Be willing to compromise

·      Use conflict to attack the problem, not each other

·      Continue to love each other even when fighting.

If you are still seeking better understanding and improving your communication with your spouse, or others in general, check out “Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work.” Quick answers are almost always inadequate, especially for our most complex and important relationships. Again- what are you willing to do to change?