When Crisis Strikes

Crises, catastrophes, hardships, trials, difficulties, whatever you want to call them, happen in life. The sooner we recognize and accept this, the sooner we can gain power to respond effectively. There is always a choice, and it is what we choose to do that matters most!

When we do what’s normal (or what comes naturally), we perpetuate the culture, whether it’s good or bad. When stress is piled up on one individual of the family it is so EASY to let go. However, doing so distresses the balance of the rest of the family. My professor illustrated this with a few other classmates. I will share more about this demonstration later.

Reuben Hill studied many families to better understand how stressful events impacted them as individuals and as a family unit. Hill created the ABC-X model in 1958. The A is defined as the stressor, B includes the resources available to a family, C is the family’s cognitions of the event, and X is the experience (level of stress) of the stressor. Knowing this model can help to better understand how everything interacts and influences the other factors.

I’ll break the ABC-X model down a little more! The stressors (A) can be common, everyday hassles. However, trials that are more likely to lead to a family crisis include the death of a child (this has been rated the most difficult stressor in several studies), illness, unemployment, moving, and serious interpersonal problems (infidelity, abuse, etc.) and/or personal problems (mental illness, physical illness or handicaps, etc.) to name a few. Also, it is important to note that hardships change over the course of the family life cycle (although some may be shared by all stages, like financial struggles). There are stressors that are completely unpredictable, and it is these that tend to feel unbearable.

Now that I have been a downer for a little bit, I hope to share a more empowering message: we control how we react. We can choose what we do about what happens, both as a family and individually.

There are some ineffective ways to handle hardships. For example, denial (denial is very normal and may be helpful at first), avoidance, and scapegoating are all hurtful.

Foundations of effective coping lie within a resilient family.

Remember how I mentioned my professor using some students to teach the principle of what happens when a family falls apart versus when it stays together? I will go into more detail about that now. Four students stood together holding hands in a circle in the middle of the classroom, representing a family. Then, they leaned away from each other symbolizing their independence form each other and dependence on each other.

My professor stood behind one person in the circle at a time and would pull him or her further away from the others. As he did so, he said some of the stressors in their life, whether it was the “father” just losing his job or the “teenage daughter” being bullied at school. The first time he did this, the one receiving a lot of stress, the “father,” let go of his family despite their efforts to support him. The remaining 3 fell back the other direction. Everyone lost their balance; everyone was negatively affected.

When the “daughter” was experiencing stress, it was the family that let her go. She was left alone. In the last demonstration, no matter what the individual members were facing, they held tight to each other and pulled each other closer. They ended up becoming a stronger family unit. Resilience to stress helps to effectively cope together.

Some qualities of a resilient families include the following:

·      Problem-solve and manage conflict well

·      Celebrate special occasions together

·      Communicate (especially about beliefs and emotions)

·      Good financial management

·      Family commitment and a sense that the family can handle any changes

·      Physical and emotional health

·      Sharing wholesome recreational activities

·      Accepting each other’s personality and behavior

·      Has a social support network of relatives and friends

·      Sharing routines (family meals, chores, etc.)

·      Traditions that carry over from one generation to another.

Tools for effective coping also include:

·      Taking responsibility

·      Affirm personal and familial worth

·      Balancing self-concern with concern for others

·      Changing one’s perspective to see more of the “big picture”

Life has difficulties, for sure. What we make of those as individuals, but especially as a family, is what can create deeper relationships and lasting memories.